8 Habits to Let Go of for Closer Relationships with Your Kids
Are you hoping to have more visits from your children as you age? Let’s face it—most parents don’t just want to be remembered; they want to be visited. Not just for obligatory holidays or birthday check-ins, but because their kids genuinely want to be around them.
If you’re looking to nurture those connections, it’s essential to unearth and eliminate habits that might be subtly driving them away—even the ones you love the most. Some behaviors may seem harmless, but if they leave your adult children feeling drained or judged, it’s time to rethink your approach. Below, let’s explore eight habits to break for a more vibrant, welcoming relationship with your adult children.
1. Guilt-Tripping During Conversations
Comments like “Wow, I guess you’re too busy for your old mom” may seem playful, but guilt-tripping is a major turn-off. Even when said light-heartedly, such remarks can make interactions feel more like a chore than a warm reunion.
Instead of complaining, lead with curiosity. Check in with them about their lives, not about their absences. As Dr. Guy Winch puts it, “When people feel emotionally blackmailed, they withdraw.” Cultivating a supportive environment instead of a judgmental one will draw your kids closer.
2. Constant Complaining
While venting can be therapeutic, turning every conversation into a discussion of what’s going wrong can exhaust your children. It’s important to share your feelings, but if negativity becomes your default mode, your kids may shy away from calling.
Instead, try shifting the narrative! If you find yourself repeating grievances, mix it up with positive stories or ask about their lives. Connection thrives on mutual engagement.
3. Dismissing Their Choices
While your intentions may be good, offering unsolicited advice can be interpreted as judgment. Statements like “You should…” can create emotional rifts instead of fostering dialogue.
Try this approach: “Would you like my take, or do you just want to vent?” This simple question can turn judgments into supportive conversations, making your kids feel validated rather than criticized.
4. Refusing to Adapt in Communication
The world is evolving, and so are communication methods. If you’re adamant that conversations must happen on your terms—such as only long phone calls or no texting—you unintentionally create barriers.
Instead, consider meeting them where they are, whether it’s through quick texts or memes. Adaptation signals effort and care, showing your children that you wish to stay connected.
5. Holding onto Grudges
Nothing sours family time like the resurrection of past arguments. Bringing up old wounds creates emotional landmines that can make family gatherings tense.
Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring reminds us that letting go of resentment isn’t just about forgiving others; it’s about freeing yourself. Focus on forgiveness for a more peaceful present.
6. Making Them Feel Obligated
Parenting involves significant investments of time and resources, but reminding your children of these sacrifices can sour your relationship. They shouldn’t feel like they owe you a visit or gratitude for your efforts.
Instead, foster a sense of unconditional love. When your children feel truly loved—free from debt—they’re more likely to visit frequently and stay longer.
7. Living in the Past
While nostalgia is important, if your conversations revolve solely around the past, it might inadvertently convey that your best days are behind you.
Share your experiences, but also let your kids know you’re still growing and exploring new interests. Engage them with stories about new hobbies or adventures; this keeps the conversation lively and energizing.
8. Expecting Kids to Come to You
While your home may feel like a sanctuary, expecting your children to always meet you there can place undue stress on them. This sets up a logistical burden that can wear thin over time.
Flexibility is key. Sometimes, offer to meet them halfway. Show that you prioritize the relationship by minimizing pressure and making visits feel light and welcoming.
The Bottom Line
If you want your children to come around more, focus not on what they’re doing wrong but on what you’re creating. Are you cultivating an environment of emotional warmth? Are you someone they can talk to without fear of judgment?
Staying connected across generations requires intention, but remember: it’s never too late to transform the dialogue. Every kind word and small adaptation sends the message, “This is a place where you’re safe to just be.” And trust me—people are naturally drawn to that kind of space.
For more insights on nurturing family relationships, check out resources from experts in emotional health like Dr. Guy Winch and Nedra Glover Tawwab. Create connections that flourish, and you’ll find your loved ones returning often—in spirit and in person!
