Welcome back to the **Trash Report**! I’m your charismatic gossip oracle, **Elinor Jones**. On this poignant **Father’s Day**, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for the privilege of being in a safe environment, unlike many who face uncertainty each day. As I sip my coffee and reflect, I can’t help but think: instead of eliminating the *fluoride* from our Portland water, can we at least add a sprinkle of *SSRIs*? The emotional rollercoaster is real, folks!
But let’s dive into the juicy gossip, shall we?
Birthday Bash Bonanza
This weekend, two powerful figures celebrated their birthdays in grand style: **King Charles** in London and **Donald Trump** in *D.C.* Honestly, how extravagant can one get? I require only a casual gathering for my birthday, yet these titans insist on closing down entire cities!
Over here in America, Trump splurged a staggering $45 million on a military spectacle featuring old-fashioned soldiers and tanks. And where was he? Behind a bulletproof glass, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. Who can blame him, though? After catching Les Miserables earlier that week, everything else must pale in comparison!
Meanwhile, across the pond, **King Charles** hosted his own birthday parade, riding in a grand carriage alongside his family. This poignant contrast sparks an intriguing question: Does Trump’s military showcase indicate a shift toward authoritarianism, while King Charles embraces his role as a monarch in service to the people? Or is it as simple as Trump harboring a disdain for horses? I suspect it’s a combination of both.
“It’s bleak out there, but it’s heartening to know millions of people from all walks of life took the time to ruin one specific person’s birthday; America’s hater spirit remains strong.” — Jared Skolnick @jaredskolnick.bsky.social
In a *remarkable* show of dissent, *millions* hit the streets for the “No Kings” protests, while those in the UK chanted “Not My King.” It begs the question: Are they seeking a different monarch or simply expressing disdain for Charles? Is this branding confusion? Because I can’t help but feel that their message could use some clarity!
“It’s pretty irritating how many pundits would hear the ideas ‘I want to shove 100 live scorpions in your mouth’ and ‘I want to shove 0 live scorpions in your mouth’ and sagely declare: ‘The wisest course of action is to let someone shove 50 live scorpions in your mouth.’” — Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman.bsky.social
Summer Vibes and Music Buzz
Tiny sensation **Sabrina Carpenter** is treating us to new music just in time for summer! However, excitement turned to shock with her cover art depicting her on all fours, being tugged by an anonymous man, with the rather provocative title **“Man’s Best Friend.”** Suddenly, I’m reminded of **This is Spinal Tap** and their infamous album cover proposal!
Outrage erupted online, splitting reactions between those who were disgusted and those utterly charmed. I think Sabrina has pulled off a brilliant marketing stunt, diverting attention from her latest single, which, let’s be real, isn’t winning any awards. Maybe this is her clever tie-in with the upcoming Spinal Tap sequel set to release later this year? If so, I’m on board with this shiny new narrative.
Switching gears, a documentary on **Barbara Walters** is about to drop, unveiling jaw-dropping tales of her romantic escapades with influential figures. Who knew she could match Fidel Castro in charisma? The gossip doesn’t lie: *Barbara may have had more than just interviews to share!*
Engaged and Happy Couples
A hearty *mazel tov* to the newly engaged **Dua Lipa** and **Callum Turner**! He seems almost too normal for her star-studded universe, but if they’re happy, I’m all in. Happiness is what counts!
In *couple news*, **Brad Pitt** was recently spotted on a double date with his girlfriend **Ines de Ramon**, alongside **Bradley Cooper** and **Gigi Hadid**. While Gigi and Bradley were effortlessly cool, Brad and Ines looked ready for a fashion showdown, complete with a skin-tight dress and Brad, let’s just say, questionable pants. Can we take a moment to appreciate that he’s a 61-year-old man with children who seemingly despise him? Why choose confusion-inducing fashion on top of that?
But wait—rumor has it that Pitt might be romancing singer **Tate McRae**, who is a whopping 40 years his junior. Can we say *freakin’ yikes*?
At Home News
In local gossip, **Dutch Bros**, the beloved coffee chain born in Oregon, is packing its bags and heading to Arizona. With a new CEO based in Phoenix, their Oregon connection feels tenuous at best. A lesson in branding: names like *Oregon Bros* or *Grant Pass Bros* would have kept that local charm intact.
That’s a wrap for this week, my precious Trash Pandas! Remember, while I may consider you all family, I must snuggle up with my immediate clan now. But don’t worry, our gossip spirit will continue to thrive!
With all my sass,
