Please Don’t Feed the Children: A Horror Movie That Misses the Mark
Now streaming on Tubi
In the realm of horror cinema, location can be everything—especially when the world has been turned upside down by a deadly virus. In Please Don’t Feed the Children, directed by Destry Allyn Spielberg, a group of orphans finds themselves at the mercy of a peculiar housewife (played by Michelle Dockery). However, what begins as a promising exploration of survival and societal breakdown devolves into a frustratingly predictable narrative.
A Premise with Promise
The film opens with urgent news broadcasts detailing a catastrophic scenario: a virus that transforms the populace into cannibals, singling out children as potential threats due to their asymptomatic nature. Our protagonist, Mary (Zoe Colletti of Fear the Walking Dead fame), is escaping from a harsh children’s prison camp. She allies with five other orphans, aiming for safety but suffering a setback that leads them to the isolated home of Clara.
A Curious Landscape
From the outset, Please Don’t Feed the Children has a geographical disarray that raises eyebrows. The orphans are in search of a border to cross, but their destination remains ambiguous. An old brochure suggests Mexico, while conversations hint at Belize. By the film’s conclusion, it seems Clara’s farmhouse is nestled in New Mexico, prompting further questions about her British background and why she resides in such an isolated area.
Plot Holes and Predictability
With the stage set, the film struggles to maintain engagement. Plot inconsistencies abound—why would a virus discriminate based on age? Do children magically become harmless at 18? The lack of clarity makes it hard for viewers to invest in the characters or the story.
The narrative quickly reveals itself to be disappointingly straightforward. The orphans find refuge with a woman who has a dark secret tied to the virus. As the film progresses, seasoned horror enthusiasts will likely predict the twists well ahead of the characters. Bertino’s screenplay fails to innovate, relying heavily on tired clichés rather than refreshing the genre.
A Missed Directorial Opportunity
Despite the film’s intriguing setup, Spielberg’s direction falls flat. Lack of tension and poor visual storytelling plague its execution. The cinematography, handled by Shane Sigler, suffers from dimly lit scenes, leaving viewers squinting to catch important cues. While both Dockery and Colletti have the potential to shine in their roles, they are often relegated to emotional outbursts, lacking the depth that could elevate their characters.
Even the attempts at scares—like a Christmas-themed jump scare—feel more like afterthoughts than genuine moments of horror. While both costuming and production design show promise, they ultimately fail to save a muddied narrative.
Final Thoughts: A Genre in Need of Revival
While Please Don’t Feed the Children attempts to weave commentary on pandemic paranoia, it ultimately succumbs to a lack of originality and coherent storytelling. The film’s confusion combined with its predictable arc makes for a viewing experience that is neither boring nor particularly engaging. If you find yourself intrigued by the premise, brace for a journey fraught with missed opportunities.
Despite having capable actors like Giancarlo Esposito in the mix, this flick seems more like a haphazard homage rather than a legitimate contender in the horror genre. If you’re looking for nuanced storytelling and thrilling direction, this is one house you might want to skip.
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