The Untold Guilt of Moving Away: A Journey to Build a Life of My Own
Have you ever felt torn between chasing your dreams and the weight of your responsibilities to your family? At just 12 years old, I announced to my parents that I aspired to live abroad someday, a dream fueled by wanderlust and ambition. But no one prepared me for the profound guilt that would accompany this journey.
The Dream and the Departure
As a kid, I fantasized about living in distant lands, where opportunities flourished and experiences were plentiful. However, the reality of moving away from the comforts of home struck me when I left for Ireland in 2023. Until that moment, I had traveled solo and even experienced a brief stint in Scotland, but the farewell at Brussels Airport felt monumental.
Hugging my parents goodbye, I was overwhelmed by an unfamiliar blend of excitement and sorrow. That day, I succumbed to tears as I walked through security, glimpsing my mother waving her last farewell. It was a moment that solidified the seemingly inevitable—a realization that my life’s path would lead me further from home.
Chasing Dreams Comes with Sacrifices
My father was instrumental in my pursuit to learn English, often away for work yet subconsciously instilling in me the desire to explore the world. I learned early on that I wanted to be a journalist abroad. Achieving this dream filled me with pride, yet it also cloaked me in guilt.
Returning to Belgium fills my heart with joy; every encounter with family and friends is like a warm embrace. Yet, the return flight back to Ireland stirs a bittersweet sadness in me. I have built a life here—one that feels authentic and fulfilling—but it often feels like I’m leaving behind pieces of my heart every time I board that plane.
The Weight of Absence
The milestones I miss—birthdays, engagements, and daily moments with loved ones—contribute to an unshakeable guilt. I don’t visit home as frequently as I wish I could, and each visit reveals the passage of time in ways that sting. Grey hairs and frail bodies are reminders of life’s fleeting nature. They make me want to hold my loved ones tighter. Yet, the realization that returning full-time is not on my horizon hangs heavy on my heart.
Understanding the Family Dynamics
To compound the emotional complexity, my mother suffers from Ménière’s disease, an inner ear issue that causes severe dizziness and hearing loss. Her health struggles amplify my guilt. I find myself feeling like I’ve abandoned her, even though we maintain a close relationship through daily phone calls.
Whenever I am faced with new experiences, I wish I could share them with her. Why is it so hard to balance our dreams with our family’s needs?
Generational Perspectives
During our conversations, I sought her perspective on my move abroad. While she expressed support and pride in my accomplishments, she also admitted to feeling a void in my absence. My mother is content in Belgium, cherishing the comforts of home, while my heart seeks adventure elsewhere.
The contrasting mindsets between us have led me to appreciate a social media trend: “Realizing your mom is living for the first time too.” This sentiment resonates as I reflect on our differing life paths, filled with unique challenges and joys.
Finding Common Ground
Despite our differences, my mother and I share so much. From our striking features to our quirky habits, our bond remains unbreakable. She is resilient; despite her health challenges, she radiates kindness and strength. I aspire to embody even a fraction of her essence.
In sharing my feelings of guilt, I learned that love embraces both pride and concern. “There’s an emptiness,” she said, “but I know that’s what you’ve always wanted and that’s what makes you happy. Of course, I worry about you, but I’m also proud. That’s what love is; I let you go because I knew how important it was for you.”
Embracing the Journey
While dreaming and building a life abroad is exhilarating, the emotional cost can be overwhelming. It’s a delicate dance of pride, guilt, and compassion. I often wish my mother could be by my side to share in my experiences, to walk the streets I now call home. But I know that deep down, pursuing my dreams doesn’t mean I love my family any less.
As I navigate this complex emotional landscape, I’m learning to embrace both my aspirations and my roots, hoping to find peace in the beautiful mess that is life. Ultimately, it’s not about choosing one over the other; it’s about fostering both love and ambition in my heart.
