Jurassic World Rebirth: A cringeworthy dino reboot.

An Uninspired Journey in "Jurassic World Rebirth"

Sixty-five million years. That’s how long the “Jurassic” film franchise has lumbered along, and quite frankly, it feels like it’s finally reached its breaking point. The latest installment, “Jurassic World Rebirth,” feels more like an embarrassing retread than a refreshing revival. Fans of the original series, once thrilled by the grandeur of dinosaurs roaming the Earth, are left feeling fossilized after this seventh outing.

Betrayed by Its Title

The title “Rebirth” is comically misleading; it suggests a revival that never materializes. Instead, the film crashes like a meteorite, ruining what was once a beloved cinematic universe.

A Plot Filled with Inanity

The absurdity begins with the film’s exposition. We learn that in the past five years, humanity has somehow become bored with dinosaurs. Yes, you read that right. Those once terrifying ten-ton beasts have become as fascinating as yesterday’s fidget spinner.

The plot implies that these prehistoric creatures, once galloping across the Great Plains, have collectively decided that North America lacks the ideal climate for their existence. Like Canadians migrating south for the winter, they’ve headed to more equatorial locales.

Unlikable Characters on a Fool’s Errand

As per the usual formula, a cast of generic characters is dispatched from New York City to a perilous tropical island, ostensibly to gather blood samples from the world’s largest dinosaurs. Scarlett Johansson (Zora), a mercenary, and Jonathan Bailey (Henry), a cliché “male model paleontologist,” are some of the least engaging characters to grace this series. The duo is tasked with obtaining vials for Big Pharma in their quest to cure heart disease.

Is this what we’ve come to?

To kick off their journey, Zora and team leader Duncan (played by Mahershala Ali) engage in a somber reminiscence about lost friends and family, an attempt to humanize characters that only serves to bore the audience further.

A Misguided Adventure

Joining this crew is a foolish father, Reuben (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo), who takes his two daughters and one incredibly dull stoner boyfriend (Xavier) on a sailing trip through waters renowned for giant killer reptiles. Talk about "Father of the Year."

The film drags through endless aquatic sequences, where our characters face off against an uninspired creature dubbed the Snoozeosaurus—a whale who, frankly, lacks the urgency one expects from a dinosaur flick.

Meanwhile, dramatic moments, like a T. Rex chase, evoke more amusement than fear, resembling a poorly-executed theme park ride.

CGI Gone Awry

The special effects are, regrettably, subpar. Many of the hybrid dinosaurs introduced fail to evoke the sense of awe that this franchise once commanded. Instead of feeling menacing, they seem like a poorly executed puppet show. Characters even deliver cringe-worthy lines, like Xavier’s musing about deathbeds, leaving audiences scratching their heads instead of gripping their seats.

The Soundtrack: A Glimmer of Hope

Even in a sea of mediocrity, there’s a flicker of brilliance: the return of John Williams’ iconic themes from the original. While Alexandre Desplat handles the new score, its lackluster quality places it at risk of being lost among the film’s multiple flaws.

Should This Franchise Have Ended?

Universal and Amblin should have concluded this franchise with the previous installment, 2022’s appalling “Dominion,” where the plot relied on prehistoric locusts wreaking havoc on crops. At this point, the “Jurassic” saga has become more of an overgrown weed than the lush cinematic experience fans once cherished.

In a defining moment, Henry states, “Nobody cares about these animals anymore. They deserve better.” It’s a statement that rings true for the dinosaurs and the audience. They certainly deserve better films—ones that honor the legacy of a franchise that once captivated millions.

In “Jurassic World Rebirth,” the only rebirth we witness is that of old clichés and tired plotlines, leaving viewers feeling more exhausted than entertained.